I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
