Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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