My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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