my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
