Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
