Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I am in a vortex of obligation.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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