He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
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