At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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