yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
