I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
