im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
