Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
