new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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