The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
