I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
