I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
