i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
