My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I would fuck him just for his dog
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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