Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
