You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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