My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
