Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
