He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
