I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
