it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
