when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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