My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
