I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
