it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Say something about gay babies.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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