Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
