FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
