He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
