Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
