My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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