His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
two words: eviction party
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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