It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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