Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
