i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
