I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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