I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
