Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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