The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I wear drunk well.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
