508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
