Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
