Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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