Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
