I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
