Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Someone signed my nipple.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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