I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
