Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
