I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Boobs are out for the taking
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
