Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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